Starting Over

“Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.”
― William Wordsworth


I love blogging and I have missed it. So much has happened in my life since my previous blog was written in. This is going to stay anonymous due to circumstances right now, but I still think its so important to be able to share my story in a constructive way, and to be able to document this journey and season in my life. If I could help just one person from this blog, it will be a success. So here is to hopefully a beautiful journey through the ins and outs of life.

So what is the story? This is the story of a young mother, in her 20s facing the reality of the death of her dreams. The death of her "picture perfect" idea of life. It's a story of learning how to walk through every day in victory, when everything inside is telling her to give up. It's a story of learning what it really means to trust God for her very breath, for her finances, for her children, and for her life. It's my life. It's my new reality.

I was reading my Bible the other day and was reminded of the verse in Isaiah that speaks about trading beauty for ashes. That image of ashes being traded in for beauty really struck me and gave me hope. There have been so many days where I have felt hopeless, that my situation is the "ultimate failure" and I would never be happy again. But I really do believe that if I keep faithful, the beauty will shine through which is the purpose of this blog.

So lets start from the beginning. Like most young girls you think of getting older and marrying the man of your dreams. Being happy, having kids, living a long life together.What could be better than that? Then comes the reality. No man is perfect, and there are so many little annoying things about them! Like why can't you keep the toilet seat down? Or could you please not burp at the table..You are a grown up! Silly things that can be so grating on your nerves in the day to day life. For me, my perfect idea of marriage was being the typical Italian wife. I wanted to be the stay at home mom that cooked, cleaned did all of the "household stuff". Really pamper my husband and make sure the family was well taken care of. And for the most part, for the first few years of marriage I seemed to be succeeding! It wasn't as easy and magical as I thought. Let's face it, after cooking every day, three meals a day things get boring. And especially after having my kids, the constant cleaning of the bathroom, the constant dirty clothes, the bickering, and the constant messes of life could get old! But I loved it.

Right at the time I felt life was most blissful the hammer fell on me. I realized things were not good at all. I discovered what is in my opinion, a wife's worse nightmare.  Without going into great detail, I realized I had been betrayed in the worst way. How could this happen to me? I was a good wife! A good mother! Always attentive! Why God why? Life was finally good and this happens? It seemed like a cruel joke. This was not my life. This was not in my plan. What do I do now?

After much soul searching, I decided to work on the marriage. I believed and still do believe in marriage. I wasn't going down without a fight. And over the last 4 years, it has been a fight. After many years of weekly counseling, and years of other circumstances in between, I realized. I had no choice. I had done what I could and I can't fix something if both people aren't willing to do what it takes to fix the situation. I cannot believe this is happening. Its over. Divorce is happening. What? How? Why? I know the answer to all of those questions, but actually processing them is a whole other ball game.

The purpose of this blog again is to follow the journey. I want to write down my feelings that I have already felt and I still currently feel. I see a huge need for young mothers in these situations to realize that we are not alone. This is not the ideal life or situation, but you can make it.

One thing that has been repeated to me many times is "God is still there. God is still holding your hand. God has not left you. You are not alone". It's very true.  Some days I really have to remind myself of that, but I know it to be true.

I hope whoever reads this blog is blessed and can hear my heart. This will not be a bashing of any sort, and will be as real as it comes. So until next time!