Starting with the divorce. It was crazy the day it finalized. There were all kinds of issues leading up to it. Mix ups with the court, missing documents **headache**. I was at the point though that I just wanted it over with so that I could deal with it. I decided instead of being charged $30 for a phone call to the lawyer to see where the process was at that I would directly call the court house. I called, a lady picked up and very rudely and coldly said , "Oh Danielle Tavares? Yes. Your divorce finalized yesterday. Have a good day". Wait...What? Yesterday? Uh..Okay. I'm single. It's official. I am not a married woman anymore. I am single. Uh, I wanted this. What? Okay, how do I continue to heal? As ready for it as I was, I was also not ready for it. I couldn't call and tell my family it was official, I couldn't talk about it. There were so many questions running through my head. How did this happen? Is this really my life? I felt strangely relieved, deeply sad, and profoundly brave, It was really strange. But, there was no turning back. Time to heal.
The next few days after that cold phone call to the courthouse, I spent feeling bewildered and felt as though I was walking through my home pointlessly. Thank God for my busy schedule to help keep my down time at a minimum so that I didn't overthink things too much.
As far as my relationship goes, I feel blessed. My boyfriend is very caring, understanding, and an obvious strong-hearted man to deal with the craziness that is me. He loves my children and they love him. He truly has a heart of gold and loves me completely. With that being said, this has been the craziest thing for me to experience. I don't recall ever feeling like someone WANTED to be with me and WANTED to spend time with me. It created a weird mix of emotions in my heart. It was sobering to see how I had allowed myself to be treated in my marriage and to realize that it was not right. It was sobering to be loved by someone even with all of my "baggage". I'll never forget the day when we took a walk around the block. This is one of our favorite things to do together- just to walk and talk. My boyfriend was walking on the inside (closer to the curb) and I was walking on the outside (closer to the road). A car began to drive down the street and he gently switched sides of how we were walking. I asked him, "What are you doing?" and he responded, "Well, it's a little more dangerous walking near the cars and I just want you to be safer". This small act meant the world to me. He regularly does things like that to protect me. He loves me and I know it.
The kids are doing fantastic. My older son has been going to counseling every other week, and according to the counselor (WHO IS FANTASTIC by the way), he is well adjusted and happy. I'm so proud. He really turned a corner and is doing well. My little guy is the same, happy, kind of oblivious kid he has always been. Both of my boys are secure in the love their dad and I have for them and it's apparent.
Coming to terms what has happened in life has been difficult and still continues to be difficult. There are so many decisions that I am responsible for that make me feel anxious at times. The common struggles are feeling alone. I miss having my family around and spend many nights by myself. Sometimes the quietness is nice, and sometimes it is suffocating. Recently, I heard a Kari Jobe song that has been ministering to my heart. Here is the song.
I am not alone. I may feel it sometimes, but I am not. I am grateful for my life even with the struggles. I can say with confidence that I would not have been the woman I am today without these struggles. I am better today than I was yesterday, and I look forward to growing more tomorrow. Until next time......
