Last June I began to face to reality of where things were going. For a long time I was in denial and I would say things like "I'd rather be miserable so that my kids can be happy", or "This situation could be worse". Excuse after excuse to keep going. I remember clearly the day that I realized that I was not doing what was best for my kids. It was a horrible day. My youngest child, who is pretty much the happiest kid I know, came in between me and my husband and said "You guys need to stop! What would Jesus do? Why is mommy crying??" . It stopped me in my tracks. I began to realize that the kids were the reason I was staying, but the kids became the reason why I needed to leave. I started to see them show signs of stress. I began to pray. I really wanted to make sure I was making the right decision. I didn't want to decide out of emotion. If I was going to do this, I needed to be clear to my husband on what I would and would not put up with, and what I wanted to see happen before I would consider reconciliation. We had once before been separated, but I don't believe we took it as seriously as we should have. This was a make or break it for me.
A couple days later, we went to a counseling session. I said in no uncertain terms what I wanted to see. What I needed him to do and what I was willing to do. I made it clear that this was my last effort. To my shock, my husband sat in that office and very honestly said "I'm sorry, I don't think I can or want to do those things you need me to do to fix this". I was shocked. But I did appreciate his honesty even though it broke my heart. The best way to describe how I felt was abandoned. I left that office in tears. I felt broken. This was happening.
I spent the next few days praying and asking God what it was I could change to possibly change his mind. It was then that I distinctly remember feeling that I had done what I could. I gave it 2 more months and finally, in September an incident happened where I no longer had a choice. He needed to move out and I needed to follow through. Something I AM NOT good at. I asked him to start looking for a place and a lawyer. I couldn't believe this was going to be my life. After some pleading, I agreed to allow him to remain in the house until after the holidays. Those few months were PAINFUL. It was like slowly watching something die. The tension was unbearable. The anxiety even worse. My number 1 fear was telling my children that their family was breaking up. I agonized and cried over it for months, but didn't want to say anything to them until there was a definite move out date.
Finally, my husband found a place.It was coming down to the time to tell my kids. I was so nervous I didn't eat for days leading up to it. I was begging God to prepare their hearts. It was to date the worst day of my life. We sat my oldest on the couch and my husband said something to the effect of "We love you so much. You mean the world to both of us. Daddy is going to be living in a new house." I was trying to be so strong when really I wanted to crawl under the couch and die. My heart was aching worse than I have ever felt it ache before. My oldest very simply said "Okay. Am I going to see you daddy? This conversation is weird. Can I go now?". After assuring him that he would see daddy all the time, we let him go. He went into his playroom and I saw him sitting on the middle of the playroom floor with a toy in his hand and his head hanging. No tears. I crumbled. I began to feel like I was making a huge mistake. How could we hurt our kids like this? My youngest child handled it like any 3 year old would "Okay, will I have toys?" .
We decided to make that day a family day. Just the four of us spending time together to assure the kids that we were a united front as far as them being our top priority. We were driving later on that night and it was bedtime, so as usual, my husband prayed for them. At bedtime we all take turns praying. When it came around to my oldest, his prayer was this: "Jesus, thank you for this amazing day. Thank you for my brother, and my mommy and my daddy and Jesus, I pray that my daddy will love his new place. I pray that he will get closer to you and that he will be very happy. Amen." My sweet boy. My heart broke.
That day was sobering. I began to realize the impact this was going to have on my life, and my kids lives. Everything was going to change. But I felt courage to do what had to be done. The night that my husband moved out was filled with mixed emotions. I honestly felt a sense of relief. I felt a sense of okay, time to pull yourself up by your boot straps and be a big girl now.
The kids appeared to adjust well. There were definite days of acting out, and tears over the smallest things. I would just hold them and remind them how much they were loved and that everything was going to be okay. It seemed that the more they got into the routine of going to daddies house, the better they became. I think its because they realized that daddy was still around all the time, and also, he was living in a house with 3 dogs! How exciting! I was happy to see them excited to see daddy and sleep over his house, even though to me I was feeling angry that I had to share my babies.
It's been an adjustment, but now, months later, my kids are the happiest they have been. I guess I didn't fully realize that they were feeling the tension as much as I was if not more because they didn't understand it.I'm not naive enough to think there will not be times where the kids might struggle, but I'm confident in my God and His ability to heal their hearts. I joined a group called Divorce Care (I HIGHLY recommend it!), and the leader said something that really gave me comfort. She said "When there are days when your kids hurt, you sit with them and invite Jesus into the midst of the pain". I will remember to do that. I'm so grateful for my children, I'm grateful that they know they are loved, and I'm SO thankful for the days that I have them, to wake up to their little smiles. Life is hard, but getting better and better every day!
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Monday, June 3, 2013
Starting Over
“Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.”
― William Wordsworth
I love blogging and I have missed it. So much has happened in my life since my previous blog was written in. This is going to stay anonymous due to circumstances right now, but I still think its so important to be able to share my story in a constructive way, and to be able to document this journey and season in my life. If I could help just one person from this blog, it will be a success. So here is to hopefully a beautiful journey through the ins and outs of life.
So what is the story? This is the story of a young mother, in her 20s facing the reality of the death of her dreams. The death of her "picture perfect" idea of life. It's a story of learning how to walk through every day in victory, when everything inside is telling her to give up. It's a story of learning what it really means to trust God for her very breath, for her finances, for her children, and for her life. It's my life. It's my new reality.
I was reading my Bible the other day and was reminded of the verse in Isaiah that speaks about trading beauty for ashes. That image of ashes being traded in for beauty really struck me and gave me hope. There have been so many days where I have felt hopeless, that my situation is the "ultimate failure" and I would never be happy again. But I really do believe that if I keep faithful, the beauty will shine through which is the purpose of this blog.
So lets start from the beginning. Like most young girls you think of getting older and marrying the man of your dreams. Being happy, having kids, living a long life together.What could be better than that? Then comes the reality. No man is perfect, and there are so many little annoying things about them! Like why can't you keep the toilet seat down? Or could you please not burp at the table..You are a grown up! Silly things that can be so grating on your nerves in the day to day life. For me, my perfect idea of marriage was being the typical Italian wife. I wanted to be the stay at home mom that cooked, cleaned did all of the "household stuff". Really pamper my husband and make sure the family was well taken care of. And for the most part, for the first few years of marriage I seemed to be succeeding! It wasn't as easy and magical as I thought. Let's face it, after cooking every day, three meals a day things get boring. And especially after having my kids, the constant cleaning of the bathroom, the constant dirty clothes, the bickering, and the constant messes of life could get old! But I loved it.
Right at the time I felt life was most blissful the hammer fell on me. I realized things were not good at all. I discovered what is in my opinion, a wife's worse nightmare. Without going into great detail, I realized I had been betrayed in the worst way. How could this happen to me? I was a good wife! A good mother! Always attentive! Why God why? Life was finally good and this happens? It seemed like a cruel joke. This was not my life. This was not in my plan. What do I do now?
After much soul searching, I decided to work on the marriage. I believed and still do believe in marriage. I wasn't going down without a fight. And over the last 4 years, it has been a fight. After many years of weekly counseling, and years of other circumstances in between, I realized. I had no choice. I had done what I could and I can't fix something if both people aren't willing to do what it takes to fix the situation. I cannot believe this is happening. Its over. Divorce is happening. What? How? Why? I know the answer to all of those questions, but actually processing them is a whole other ball game.
The purpose of this blog again is to follow the journey. I want to write down my feelings that I have already felt and I still currently feel. I see a huge need for young mothers in these situations to realize that we are not alone. This is not the ideal life or situation, but you can make it.
One thing that has been repeated to me many times is "God is still there. God is still holding your hand. God has not left you. You are not alone". It's very true. Some days I really have to remind myself of that, but I know it to be true.
I hope whoever reads this blog is blessed and can hear my heart. This will not be a bashing of any sort, and will be as real as it comes. So until next time!
― William Wordsworth
I love blogging and I have missed it. So much has happened in my life since my previous blog was written in. This is going to stay anonymous due to circumstances right now, but I still think its so important to be able to share my story in a constructive way, and to be able to document this journey and season in my life. If I could help just one person from this blog, it will be a success. So here is to hopefully a beautiful journey through the ins and outs of life.
So what is the story? This is the story of a young mother, in her 20s facing the reality of the death of her dreams. The death of her "picture perfect" idea of life. It's a story of learning how to walk through every day in victory, when everything inside is telling her to give up. It's a story of learning what it really means to trust God for her very breath, for her finances, for her children, and for her life. It's my life. It's my new reality.
I was reading my Bible the other day and was reminded of the verse in Isaiah that speaks about trading beauty for ashes. That image of ashes being traded in for beauty really struck me and gave me hope. There have been so many days where I have felt hopeless, that my situation is the "ultimate failure" and I would never be happy again. But I really do believe that if I keep faithful, the beauty will shine through which is the purpose of this blog.
So lets start from the beginning. Like most young girls you think of getting older and marrying the man of your dreams. Being happy, having kids, living a long life together.What could be better than that? Then comes the reality. No man is perfect, and there are so many little annoying things about them! Like why can't you keep the toilet seat down? Or could you please not burp at the table..You are a grown up! Silly things that can be so grating on your nerves in the day to day life. For me, my perfect idea of marriage was being the typical Italian wife. I wanted to be the stay at home mom that cooked, cleaned did all of the "household stuff". Really pamper my husband and make sure the family was well taken care of. And for the most part, for the first few years of marriage I seemed to be succeeding! It wasn't as easy and magical as I thought. Let's face it, after cooking every day, three meals a day things get boring. And especially after having my kids, the constant cleaning of the bathroom, the constant dirty clothes, the bickering, and the constant messes of life could get old! But I loved it.
Right at the time I felt life was most blissful the hammer fell on me. I realized things were not good at all. I discovered what is in my opinion, a wife's worse nightmare. Without going into great detail, I realized I had been betrayed in the worst way. How could this happen to me? I was a good wife! A good mother! Always attentive! Why God why? Life was finally good and this happens? It seemed like a cruel joke. This was not my life. This was not in my plan. What do I do now?
After much soul searching, I decided to work on the marriage. I believed and still do believe in marriage. I wasn't going down without a fight. And over the last 4 years, it has been a fight. After many years of weekly counseling, and years of other circumstances in between, I realized. I had no choice. I had done what I could and I can't fix something if both people aren't willing to do what it takes to fix the situation. I cannot believe this is happening. Its over. Divorce is happening. What? How? Why? I know the answer to all of those questions, but actually processing them is a whole other ball game.
The purpose of this blog again is to follow the journey. I want to write down my feelings that I have already felt and I still currently feel. I see a huge need for young mothers in these situations to realize that we are not alone. This is not the ideal life or situation, but you can make it.
One thing that has been repeated to me many times is "God is still there. God is still holding your hand. God has not left you. You are not alone". It's very true. Some days I really have to remind myself of that, but I know it to be true.
I hope whoever reads this blog is blessed and can hear my heart. This will not be a bashing of any sort, and will be as real as it comes. So until next time!
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